Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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