After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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