: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
