i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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