if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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