i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
