he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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