We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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