"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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