I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
