yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
