I checked into jail on foursquare
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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