Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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