How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
