What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
