It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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