I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
