It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
