Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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