my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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