He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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