Swine flu. Run for my life!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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