Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
