I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
