Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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