Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
