one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
