even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I intend to get homeless drunk
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
