I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
