Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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