you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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