Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
