last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The police scanner is talking about you again....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
