she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
