i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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