Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
