textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
