I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
