i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
