I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
