hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
even my farts smell like vagina
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
