Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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