she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
