im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
