I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
