is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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