Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
