I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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