I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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