Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
