I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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