Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am naked and annoyed.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
