I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
